It took me so long...

to finally see beauty in my flaws. 

It took so long to see the beauty in the acne scars that cover my cheeks. It wasn't until recently that I was going through before and after footage and witnessing how much my skin has changed that I saw some real genuine beauty in my scar and texture covered face. Don't get me wrong, I know I'm a beautiful person. I don't consider myself to be ugly with acne/scars or without. There was just a blind fold over my eyes for the longest when it came to my acne scarring, and finally, I think I'm beautiful WITH my greatest insecurity on display for the world to see. It's not even about about the hyper-pigmented redness upon my pale skin, or the dips and ice picks that are visible; though, they do tell a story. It's about the look in my eyes and the entire look of my bare, natural face. I can't fully explain it, but it's a great step in the right direction. 

It took a long time for me to accept the stretch marks that hug my hips. I guess it's obvious by now that I'm scar-prone. I was extremely insecure about my stretch marks. I've been guilty of comparing myself to other women, examining their thighs and behinds to see if I could find any tiger scratches in hopes of maybe relating in some way, but in turn just feeling worse. It took me a while to accept that real women (but not all real women) have stretch marks. They're common. I used to grow tense at the thought of my future significant other judging me when it came time to be intimate, and then being completely turned off. Then, I learned that most men (notice how that is bolded) really just don't care. My stretch marks are a sign of my growth, I guess. They're a part of my story. They're a part of me, and someday, some one, the one, will see beauty in them. 

It took so long for my heart to heal and it took so long for me to learn and it took so long for me to evolve and I'm still doing all of those things and more. It took so long to realize how special time is, and it took so long for me to recognize that the best things happen between the time that I'm insecure and the time that I'm accepting of myself and the beauty that is me.

This journey of life has been such a roller coaster of emotions and thoughts. It's not always about the destination, but it is always about the road trip there. 

When the night falls

There's a numbness in my heart. A part of me feels like I keep doing this to myself, because I keep exposing my eyes to all the updates and posts about the tragedy. 

I'm so deeply emotionally affected by this that I can't stop myself. I take things as signs, and this was definitely a big one from our Lord. For me, at least.

I've held my tears in all day and everything just came gushing out while watching Deah Barakat's sister Suzanne's interview with Anderson Cooper. I put myself in her shoes. 

I guess I have fears. Fears of losing loved ones, and not being able to handle the pain. I fear being killed because of who I am, what I look like, and what I believe in. I fear not being able to defend myself or utter another word. I fear not being able to experience the things I've always wanted to. Going to Mecca, getting married at some point, having a family of my own. I fear having the right to breathe oxygen and the right to live as I am being taken away from me by a human. I fear someone DECIDING when my life ends. It's just not fair. I put myself in the shoes of the newlyweds, and it breaks my heart. They were truly extraordinary people. I closely relate to Razan. We're close in age and we both have a passion for creativity. Imagining my dreams stripped away from me is frightening. It makes me want to protect myself to no end and do everything that I've ever wanted to do, now. But I fear that I won't get to do the things that take a little more hard work and time to get to. I shouldn't fear these things, because Allah knows best. 

I'm just very shaken by this. Seeing Deah's father cry was soul shattering. No parent should have to bury their child. 

I don't mean to make this about me. It'll always be about those three angels. But I'm having a hard time dealing with it and I need to let it out. I'm also angry in a lot of ways. I'm angry at America. We should all be able to live freely and peacefully. And we should all support each other. But it's not a perfect world I guess. 

Please don't take anything for granted. Tomorrow may never come. Take care of yourselves. 

Stay blessed. Spread LOVE. 

I'll Get My Chance

With patience. 

And so will you. 

Don't be scurred. 

Go get it. 

Whatever it is, go live/do/be it. 

Midnight Muse #1: Do The Damn Thang!

That's it. Just do it.

Just follow your dreams. 

Be who you want to be.

Do what you want to do. 

Book that flight. 

Work for the body you want. 

Try a detox for a week. 

Sing at the top of your lungs because you feel like it. 

Try something new. 

JUST BEGIN. 

Do what you feel in your heart is best for you. 

Follow your dreams- All of those people that you look up to for doing what you'd like to do, and all of the people that have inspired you have been where YOU are! Whether you are at the very beginning or somewhere in the middle, they've been there. Work hard and make sacrifices! Sacrifice your social life, your free time, and sometimes your sleep. Work work work weeerk if you want it badly enough. If you continuously give in to your weaknesses and let yourself slack off, you'll either never get there or you'll get there much later on in life. Doing something beneficial for you is better than doing nothing at all. It's amazing what a positive mindset and outlook can do for your life. Whatever it is, just imagine that you're already there, that you already have it. Begin to make small changes here and there and see your entire life change in time. Remain patient, but know that you are doing all the necessary things to get to where you want to be. That makes all the time that you had to be patient sooo worth it. You'll see your patience combined with your hard work pay off. 

Don't ever think that you can't have this or that, do this or that, or be this or that. When you accept the "can't" thought, you've already submitted yourself to the ultimate failure, which is quitting before you even try. 

Nothing in life is permanent, so don't attach yourself too much to anything. Know that things are forever changing and nothing can be the same forever. So on your journey, stay focused but be open. 

Keep an open mind and roll with the punches. Accept failure as something positive and yearn to learn! 

"No such thing as a life that's better than yours" so Love Yourz. 

Feel the passion. Create your own passion. Allow the dream to motivate you. Make it your reality! Let me know how it feels when you get there. 

Much love. 

P.S. Just do the damn thang. 

Why I Am Content With Not Being Content With My Life

As I'm gathering my thoughts for some videos about 2014 that I plan to make (better late than never), I've gone over some of the lessons that I've learned in the past year. Of course, I have many lessons to share with y'all but you'll have to tune into my YouTube channel(s) to find out what those are. I felt compelled to write about this today because this lesson in particular is one that I would've never thought that I would've learned.

In my life, I've spent a lot of time being unhappy. There have been years upon years of not being fully happy for not even an entire day. When I came to this realization, it hurt me and I didn't really believe that I'd ever be happy for at least an entire day. I'd tweet things and say things here and there like "I just want to at least be content with my life." That's all I wanted, contentment. 

Shouts and credits to the Merriam-Webster dictionary for the below definition.

¹con·tent

 adjective \kən-ˈtent\

: pleased and satisfied : not needing more

Pleased and satisfied. Not needing more. 

Synonyms of Content: 

• Comfortable
• Fulfilled
• Gratified
• At ease

I wasn't content with my life at 14, 15, 16. TEEN people. 

I'm currently 18 and I almost can't believe it took me this long to figure this out, but I'm so glad it didn't take me any longer.

I'm happy to not be content with where I am in my life.

Personally, I would not want to be content with being a high school student and living under the rules of my parents forever. Let's not forget the unhappiness part of this. It's true. I wasn't happy for the longest time, my goodness. That itself was a problem, but being happy and being content don't have to go hand in hand.

At 18, I don't want to be comfortable. I don't want to be fulfilled. I don't want to be at ease (what am I? Retired?).  

I am at my prime, and God willing, I will be at my prime for many years to come. 

I want to be thrown out of my comfort zone. I want to always want bigger and better for myself. Not only do I crave growth, but I want to surprised with growth that was unexpected. I want my perspectives to be changed. I want to love what I don't love now, if it's appropriate enough. I want to set goals and reach them and then repeat. I have no time to be content with where I'm at. I'm working too hard to be content with where I'm at. 

Allow me to preach to the audience! I have way too many new places to go, and way too many new people to meet to be content with what this life has revealed to me thus far. You feel me? I'm ready for the surprises. I am waaaaay too motivated to settle for what I got. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond grateful (which has a lot to do with my newfound happiness) but you know what? I want more! I want to take over. And guess what? There is not one thing wrong with that. Find some motivation. Question your thoughts. See things from the other side. Do some soul searching and continue to do yourself some favors, boo!

Change. I'm obsessed with change. 

2015 is the year of commitment but also the year of change. 

The year of commitment to myself second. The year of commitment to my goals and my growth third. The year of change in absolutely every single way. I have no idea what is in store yet but I'm so excited and so ready for this year to be the best year of my life. Whatever life has for me, BRING IT ON! I'm ready for the new experiences and the surprises. 

I'm looking forward to this year. I'm jumping off that plane entitled "Comfort Zone" without a parachute. I'm leaping into my dreams and rising with them as my reality. 

*please don't ever jump out of an actual plane without a parachute.*

I can either sit on that couch, eat those potato chips, and watch nonsense on t.v., or I can get the %#&$ up and actually live for once. 

I hope you feel me. Feel me. Feeeeeeeeeel me. 

I also hope that I didn't get too off topic. 

Peace & love. 

-Amy