I hate these times. I just sink into a deep thought that lies at the core of my soul. I turn into my worst enemy. I become my own torture. And I'm reminded of the pain, that pain. That is when I'm no longer the Amy everyone knows. I become a stranger to myself. I become paralyzed.   

I know time heals all, but I wish it would go faster. I'm almost across the finish line. Literally two steps until I'm on the other side. 

I'm convinced that as long as I'll remember, the pain caused by betrayal will always reside deep within me. I'm not sure if I could ever forget the truth that I was forced to see. 

At the same time, I know it isn't true that pain will last forever. Nothing ever does. 

It is by the grace of God, that I'll only get better. 

This is YOUR Moment

So, here we are. It's funny how so close could seem/seems so far.

(J. Cole reference;) 

In all seriousness, those words aka lyrics are so relevant to me right now. So here we are. So here I am.

In "This is YOUR Moment," "YOUR" is indeed, me. So I'm kinda talking to myself, which is what I usually do when I write a new blog post, or preach on Twitter. ;) This is MY moment.

We're all always at different points in our lives. No two of us have ever experienced the same exact thing, feeling, etc. at the same exact time. You might be at a completely different point in your life, and you also might not even remotely understand what I'm talking about or feeling in this post. You might think you do, but you might really not. One day like 7 years from now, it'll all click to you and you'll flash back to this moment. Haha, I really have no idea buuut please keep an open understanding mind while reading this. It's okay if you don't really understand though playa.

Lately, I've been obsessed with change. Once upon a time, in my younger days, change was looked at as a negative thing. I seriously can't believe that I used to hate change. Now more than ever, my goodness do I need change. I just want to note before I go on that this post is pretty personal. It is going to be shared but its main purpose isn't for others to see (in a way that it's not like a YouTube video of mine, which I produce specifically for the public to see), but I know someone out there will read it and that's completely fine. When I write these posts, I'm mainly just letting out something I've been thinking about. So yeah, this post in particular is a pretty personal one. It has a lot to do with my mind, change, my personal journey and growth. So now, I shall continue...

Change is healthy. I'm constantly changing, growing, and becoming better. I've been afflicted with pain, which at one point was so negative, but pain is something that contributes greatly to my growth and change. Life goes on, and with that comes change. Alhamdulillah.

I graduated high school in January of this year. I had about 4 months of "free time" until I had my graduation ceremony. It was last weekend (June 7, 2014) and a lot hit me around that time. I knew that with those 4 months, I still had some attachment/connection to high school and I was excited for that to be broken after the school year was over, but with that came a lot of realizations. I look back on the 4 months, and a lot happened. I'm really not for sure if I accomplished exactly what I wanted to accomplish in that time, but I didn't just do nothing. But, with what I did do, I'm not exactly satisfied.
I must be honest with myself: I have some bad habits. Procrastination and laziness are some, but the laziness isn't really as bad as the procrastination.
I'm beyond fed up with absolutely everything.
It's time for a really big change in my life.
Sometimes I just want to leave. I want to go somewhere far far away, like the beach or something, and live there and just think. But I guess that could be my problem. I think way too much. I think today, plan to do tomorrow, and tomorrow never comes. I'm not going to run away from my reality. 

I'm proud of myself. I really am. I've come such a long way from a year ago. I've overcome a lot. I've worked hard. I've grown oh so much and I'm so grateful for that. But now, I need a bigger change. I'm actually expecting a huge change soon insha'Allah, but I can't wait for that time to go by without changing myself even more. I crave this particular kind of change. I need to drop all bad habits, and most importantly, I need to be mindful of what truly matters in life.

Tip: Always put yourself first. No one is going to put you before themselves. No one is going to stop their life for you. No one will stress over you. No one will put you on a pedestal. So do it for yourself. Know your value. Don't waste your time. 

Something that I want to touch base on is that, just as I mentioned before, I've realized a lot since graduating with my class of 2014. I've been graduated for four months before the graduation of the rest of my class and it really hit me hard a few days/the day of the graduation. There were also some things even before the entire graduation that I learned and noticed, but they became more surreal as I was getting closer to the graduation ceremony. Graduating with the rest of my class was a bit of a wake up call. I used to always think that once I'm in the real world, everything will be fine and dandy, but little did I actually realize that that's when I'll be working my hardest. Like from the time that I am a working woman again, and for the rest of my life, I will never stop working. It's kind of scary to think about but I'm ready. I'll always be working in one way or another regardless.
Also, graduating pushes me to move on with my life. I mean, obviously that's inevitable. It just has to happen. But I mean it in more than just one way. I mean it in every way. I must completely move on with my life and I must leave this chapter behind. The me that I am right now, I will never be this again past this moment. I kind of wish that I would've cherished everything a tad bit more, but alhamdulillah. I've lived, and boy have I learned. I must move on because I've learned enough in order to. I must move on because bigger and better are calling my name. I must move on because it is not fair, nor is it healthy for me to be stuck here. It's scary in so many ways. I never even imagined being here right now and having to face this point in my life. Moving on is the hardest part of anything, and here I am forcing myself to do so. I don't belong in one place for a long time. Especially not on this Earth. I am meant to go out and explore and work and improve, grow, see, love, breathe, LIVE. So in a way, with the rest of what you're about to read, I am leaving this me behind forever and moving on with my life. I've learned that I truly have no one but Allah. That's Who I'll always only have. I must do this for myself but more importantly for Him. A part of moving forward is moving closer to Jannah, and that's what I hope/plan to do insha'Allah. I guess I needed that little extra push and shove that the realization of leaving high school for good gave me. Alhamdulillah always! Everything that has ever happened has been for a reason, and I'm so grateful for it all.

So... Here I am. I am challenging myself in a number of ways. I'm forever changing. I will never stay the same. I'm a billion types of me's, and right here right now I'm this me. But this won't last long. I'm challenging myself to over all, change my mindset. Don't get me wrong, I don't think that I have a bad mindset now, but I need to evolve in a great way so that I can be much more satisfied with myself. I just feel like I'm not doing enough, and the truth of the matter is, that I'm not. At all.

Changing my mindset:
This could mean so so so many things. I could do thousands upon thousands of things to change my mindset, but I'm starting with the basics for now. I think.

• Put God first.
• Put myself next.
• Not wasting my time. That is the absolute easiest thing in the world. It's so horrible. :( So, I challenge myself to always be doing something beneficial. I'm always doing something now, but it's not always beneficial.
• Read much more! I have so many books and things that I need to read/finish reading that I keep putting off. I love to read and I need to get back to it full force.
• Express myself in larger ways. (ie. writing a ton more. artistically expressing myself. expressing myself especially through my favorite medium, which is video.

I just want to be a better, much wiser, version of myself.

Changing my lifestyle:

This could also mean so many things because it's such a huge and relevant thing in people's lives, their lifestyle. For me, this means so many things. It is so imperative to change my lifestyle in order to become better and in order to be much happier.

• Stop the procrastination. Point blank period.
• Incorporate fitness and exercise into my everyday life. 
• Eat healthier foods so that I feel better and more energized.
• Sleep earlier, although it's summer time. Who really cares?!
• WORK HARDER. ON EVERYTHING. ALWAYS.

I need to become the person that I want to be with. (Yes, I do mean relationship wise, although that is not something that I am focusing on at the moment. What I mean about becoming them is that if I start to carry the traits that I would want in a man, I won't feel the need to have that man, if that makes any sense? I mean I don't really feel the need to have any man at this point in my life. But if I want a man with certain qualities, I should probably work on those qualities within myself, ya feel me? Again, this isn't a way for me to attract a man, nor do I feel the need to have a man, etc etc.)

There are just so many things that I need to work on with myself internally and externally. I'll be posting a video about this soon insha'Allah. I plan on vlogging all of this stuff hopefully! 

To tie in the title, "This is YOUR Moment," I just want to say that this my moment to focus on myself and to become the person that I want to be. No distractions. No excuses. Nada. This is all about my personal health, my heart, body, and soul. Come along for this journey with me.

Also, I might come back to this and add more stuff to it because I'm not really thinking completely clearly and organized right now which I need to work on as well. There should most likely be some follow up posts on this. I'll let you know how it is as I progress.

I can't wait to see where this journey leads me, and I can't wait to be the person I am meant to be next. Insha'Allah.

Thanks for reading.